Relationships that Aren’t Working at Work

Stressful situations on the job can take a toll on your happiness meter and your success.  We don’t get to pick who we work with, “those people” just come with the deal, with the job.   Maybe you have a relationship at work that isn’t working or maybe one that has room for improvement.  
 

If you’d like to help make a relatlionship at work end up working better here are some questions for you to ponder.

How important is the relationship to you?

How do you know it’s not working?

How does the “not working” factor impact your performance?  What about your effectiveness?

What do you think will happen if the “not working” factor is never resolved?

If in the past, you’ve talked this up with others (other than the person involved) in the workplace are you willing to stop talking about it on the job?  Who could you talk to that isn’t on the payroll who could help you manage your feelings and help you create a plan around this?

How willing are you to do something about the situation? 

What are three things you think you could do that would improve the situation?    What are three things you could stop doing that would improve the situation?

When would you be willing to start doing something positive about the situation?

Is it possible you can be effective and enjoy your job even if the “not working” issue doesn’t improve?

If your feelings about the issue have escalated to resentment about how long are you willing to stay resentful?

Tune in tomorrow and I will help you with some answers to these key self -evaluation questions.

Still learning,

Honey

Where Did My Day Go?

If you’re like me that is not an uncommon question you ask of yourself.  I think knowing the answer is part of the solution to spending time wisely.  If stress and disappointment are knocking on your door telling you that either you have too much to do or that you just can't seem to get where you want to go then changing a few habits and building an action plan might be in order.

Do you think you’d be willing to keep a time log for a couple of weeks?    It will help you see if you’re making the best choices; choices that fit well with your values and your goals.

In my last blog I encouraged you to picture how your life would be better if you managed your time more effectively.  You want to write that out.   Keep your description handy so when you feel the tug of old habits you can quickly remember the value of making a few changes.  Changes that will help you get what you want.

Here is the second of five fast track tips on eliminating self-defeating habits.

2.  Carefully define the new habits you wish to develop. 

Consider what three time management habits you think would help you the most.   Write them down, describe each habit.  Be honest with yourself.  Gather the information you need to implement the change and visualize yourself putting the habit in place.  Develop a realistic action plan and get started.

Consider some of the staples of time mastery like planning, prioritizing and project planning.

Getting into the habit of planning might look like this:

First thing each day create your to-do-list so you get into the habit of planning. 

The habit of prioritizing works like this:

Review the list and determine what needs to happen by noon and give those items an A, everything that needs to be completed by 6 PM is marked a B and items that need to happen before you retire for the night are marked C.  Estimate the time you think is needed for each item on the list.  You will quickly know if your plan is realistic or not.  Adjust where needed.  Then determine what happens first for each section of the day.  Whenever you can, do what you LEAST want to do, first.

Learn how to master project planning.   

When you’re working on a project, estimate the total amount of time it will take to accomplish the project.  Work from your deadline date backwards to see how you can weave time into your schedule for the project.  Ideally you break the time into a stated period of time, i.e., 20-minute segments.  Set your alarm or timer to notify you when the 20 minutes is up.  Most of us can’t stop the workflow to work exclusively on a project but we can master segments of time devoted to the project.

A sense of accomplishment is a great motivator!  That is why list making and prioritizing will help you get done what is most urgent/most important. 

Pause your life for 10 minutes and come up with your list of new habits you are willing to build an action plan around so you can have the TIME OF YOUR LIFE!

Stay tuned, step three is coming next…

Still learning,

Honey

Getting What You Want Series - It’s in the Doing

Doing is about choices and can best be described as our thinking and acting.  Both are voluntary and primary influencers with regard to how we feel since our emotions follow our thinking and acting.  Genetically we are encoded to feel good so all of our doing from our first breath to our last, whether conscientiously or not is our best attempt to feel good.   

Easier said than done; the challenge is to become purposeful and intentional with our doing.  A best practice is to learn how to evaluate what promotes our well-being and what sabotages it.  Utilizing self-examination and explaining our doing will play a vital role to feeling good and to sustaining a meaningful life.

Another way to look at doing is to consider it the development and execution of the strategies needed to get what we want.

Lining Up Your Doing Strategies with Your Wanting Goals

1.     What are you doing now to get what you want?

2.     What have you done in the past that has helped you get what you want? 

3.     What have you done that didn’t work very well?

4.     Who has been successful at getting what you want? 

5.     What did they do to get it?

6.     Who will you look to for support, feedback and encouragement?

7.     What are the first 3 things you believe you need to do to get what you want?

8.     When will you start doing what you need to do?

9.     How committed are you to doing what you’ve determined needs to be done?

10. What “doing” would you suggest to others who want what you want?

11. What obstacles or roadblocks do you anticipate you will need to work around in order to do what needs to be done?

12. What is your plan for potential challenges?

13. Are you willing to be both gentle and firm with yourself when you self reflect daily on the effectiveness of what you are doing?

14. How will you celebrate your milestones as you do what you set out to do?

A strategy that will prove helpful is for you to write out how your life will be better if you get what you want.  Look for pictures that represent to you how your life would be if you had what you wanted or create your own pictures.  Imagery is a powerful tool in accomplishing in life what you want.  Put those images where you can see them often.  

What to do if you find yourself discouraged or when you find yourself thinking it isn’t worth it? Go back and look at the images remembering how you believe your life will be better.  Then move right into self-evaluation so you can check out what your doing and make any adjustments needed. 

Still learning,

Honey

Getting What You Want Series - Goals

Maybe the most powerful tool I have found that enhances the quality of my life is setting and executing goals.  Powerful because it engages my creativity in helping me to go after what I want.  Lofty goals are intentions that are generally mulled over and never put on paper.  Goals written down become visual destinations.   Like all trips you plan to take you will need a date to depart and a date to arrive.  Developing strategies and identifying key tasks act like a road map plotting out turns and speed limits.    It is wise to plan on alternate routes and to allow for delays.

What is it you want?  Make a list of what you truly believe would enhance the quality of your life.  Give consideration to the impact your want will have on others.  I think your odds for accomplishment will be in your favor if what you want is helping others. 

Learn all you can about mastering the art of self evaluation.   It is crucial you evaluate the usefulness and meaningfulness of what you want.  At times we all have experienced disappointment and surprise after we got what we wanted or what we thought we wanted.  Learn to be very selective about what you want.  Wants are what drive your needs bus.  Don’t become someone who wants and wishes their life away.  Become someone who is very in tune to what your mission in life is, someone dedicated to becoming who you were intended to be.  Acing self evaluation means learning from our mistakes, accepting our humanness and that of others.  It’s about asking great questions of yourself.  It doesn’t mean you won’t be conflicted, it means you will build a muscle that helps you manage the conflict of your wants and needs.

The way we are programmed is that from birth to death we begin capturing pictures in our minds of the people, places, things and beliefs that we believe will help our happiness, help us to be need fulfilled.  Some of the pictures are what we already have while others are pictures of what we hope to have.  Because we have the picture doesn’t mean it’s good for us or that we will get it or should keep it. 

The primary difference between people who are happy most of the time and those that aren’t comes down to  this – the happy most of the time have worked to acquire the art and skill of self evaluation.  Specifically learning how to evaluate those pictures we store or goals we set or wants we have.   It is the skill of a champion; it is how you find your sweet spot.  It is how you stop self sabotaging or buying into fantasies that aren’t within your grasp.  Wanting something for a long time you can’t have or wanting it and not being willing to work for it is a set-up for unhappiness.

As you work on mastering the art of goal setting use the SMARTIE success method.

Specific - your goal is specific and written down

Measurable - you have a means to measure your accomplishment

Attainable - your goal is a stretch but it is attainable

Reasonable - your goal makes sense and is a right fit for your values

Timeline - you have set a time to start and time to finish

Impact - your goal will have a positive impact on someone(s) other than just you

Enthusiasm - you have invested enthusiasm and energy into your goal

Still learning,

Honey

Love Your Work?

"We only get one life, and the urgency of getting on with what we're meant to do increases every day."   - Bob Buford in the foreword of Half Time. 

Can you love your work?  For some that question is an oxymoron.  Only a few can answer yes, while a lot of us just want to experience it!  Enjoying what you do is about finding pleasure in your work, it's about learning, it's about making a difference, being competent/confident, feeling included and knowing you are appreciated.  

People that love their work take full responsibility for where they work.  There are times when you have to provide for yourself/others and you take a job because you have to have one.  That is about meeting the basic need to survive.  Doing a job you love is the result of being determined to be fulfilled in your work.

Find yourself an encourager, a mentor or a life coach and do the dig to tunnel your way to being fulfilled about your work.  Search out people that love what they do and who they do it for.  Learn all you can from them.

Digging into knowing what you love to do, and then learning what you need to do in order to do it well, are key steps toward finding your passion.  The payoff will beneficial beyond measure.

I like to quote Jim Collins who wrote several books including Good to Great, "Whether you prevail or fail depends more on what you do to yourself than what the world does to you."

Do you think it’s possible to love your job?

Still learning,

Honey

Teamwork Worked for the Mavs

I am a die-hard basketball fan.  I was a Rockets season ticket holder for years during the Hakeem and Rudy T. days.  My favorite month of the year is March.  In a perfect world I would be at every Final Four, every year!

What I love about the sport is that it's unquestionably a team sport.  Everyone on the floor has to keep their eye on the ball, run and execute.  How fun for Dallas that they scored the ring this year. LeBron is taking plenty of heat (pun intended) that he couldn't make it happen for Miami.  I think those critics are the talking heads that forgot the only time in modern history that we've seen basketball dominated by a one man show was when Jordan played for the Bulls.

In the business world when a team is easily identified, well-trained, shares a common rule book, looks up to an involved coach and works together to become champions you find a workplace with synergy and extreme job satisfaction.  It may be as rare in the work world as it is in the NBA to find a team that works their heart out and ends up on the top of the heap.  

Lessons to be learned for leadership include how you create a true team, expect greatness, clarify purpose and rules of the game, train, coach, practice, look at the replays, learn from what works and what doesn't and celebrate every step of the way!

Still learning,

Honey 

The Power of Words

Words have always fascinated me. Words empower us to express ourselves and show to others who we are and what we think, believe and feel.   The spoken or written word can be positive and uplifting or can be cruel and wreak havoc on lives and situations. And sometimes, truthful words can be exactly what someone needs to hear. Sometimes things can be said without censure or thought changing forever the way people perceive us or themselves. As school children we may have defended ourselves by saying “sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me” to the cruel taunts hurled our way by bullies.  How untruthful that statement is. One only need read the papers for stories of bullying emails and posts that led to someone’s suicide.

A new public service announcement featuring “Glee” star Jane Lynch and a darling little girl reminds us of how negative words affect those who hear them. Perhaps these words are meant to be humorous.  They have become clichés, or cultural slurs that have been used for generations and too often accepted by society.  

Every one of us has the power to make a positive impact on the world by choosing our words thoughtfully. This is expressed in a famous quote: “Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care, for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill.”   - Buddha

Our choice of words can make the difference in helping or hurting a relationship. Lifestyle coaches choose truthful words to help their clients grow.  Words of encouragement and validation can be a powerful catalyst to the young or to those learning a new task.

Someone once told me that you can only speak with the words you know so work everyday at adding words to your vocabulary.  If you only knew the word blue and didn't know about teal, aquamarine or periwinkle you would be like an artist who could only paint with one shade of blue.  The more words you know the easier it is to express yourself.

No doubt our words have an impact on others. They have awesome power. Make sure you choose your words wisely. 

This Text Could Be Hazardous to Your Health

After years of controversy the World Health Organization has determined that the energy used to power cell phones may trigger brain cancer in some users.  The information, as it was disseminated today says that 31 scientists from14 countries, including the United States, reviewed peer group studies on cell phone safety to conclude that mobile phone use “possibly” could cause cancer. 

They say that radiation emitted from cell phones is called non-ionizing—similar to low powered microwaves.  However, cell phones are now in the same hazardous category as engine exhaust, lead and chloroform. It is reported that the studies were simply reviews and not in a controlled environment.  Obviously more research needs to be conducted to draw a definite conclusion. 

Will we see cell phone usage minimize as a result of this new report?   I don’t think so.  We have a worldwide addiction to our friend the cellphone whether that’s a Blackberry, a SmartPhone or whatever we call our BFF.  Many people, including myself, become panicky if we lose or break this constant contact attachment. 

So, what will we do with this new information?  What we can do is to make smart choices when using our cell phones.  We can use a headset so that the cell phone is not against our ear; use an adapter in the car allowing the call to go through the  radio; use the speaker feature allowing hands-free operation; and when at home use the old-faithful house phone.

Whether or not cell phone usage will cause brain cancer remains to be seen. However, what we do know about the hazards of cell phones is texting and talking while driving is extremely dangerous. The greatest percentage of single vehicle accidents each year is the result of distracted driving due to cell phone use; many of which are fatal.  Distracted driving cost 6,000 people their lives last year and injured over 500,000.  Maybe the best choice would be to choose to pull off the side of the road when making a call or texting, or better yet commit to no cell phone use while driving.   

Your life and the life of those around you is certainly more important than whatever message the cell phone is trying to deliver. 

Still learning,

Honey

What do you Gamble on?

The stakes can be high when you ignore what you need and grab what you want.  There seems to be a variety of approaches we choose in order to get what we need and want.  An approach may be thoughtful or it could  be a roll of the dice  Sometimes when we consider what we want or need we might try wishing it will happen or try daydreaming or try coming up a with a plan.

Planning, wanting and wishing are often easily confused.  Planning indicates that there is a thoughtful process. When one plans, a strategy is laid out, and with some work, the possibility of a successful outcome is fairly high.  Don’t forget luck and hope are not strategies. Hope is essential to our happiness.  But hope is like faith.  Without action it will evaporate.  The odds are stacked against you if you don't learn to embrace hope with planning and action.

Wishing, on the other hand, is blind hope that everything will turn out okay by the cross of one’s fingers.  Little thought or effort really goes into wishing.  It is fun to wish on a falling star, sometimes buy a lottery ticket, blow out your birthday candles or wave a wand wishing for what you want.  Unfortunately, life rarely rewards those efforts.  Sometimes we step up the wishing and engage in decisions or purchases that have long term obligations or sacrifice a week’s salary without thorough evaluation.  We buy Powerball tickets with money needed for medicine.  Or the wanting urges us to buy things like houses we cannot afford. Most Americans confess they have spent money they don’t have gambling on a better future.  I think that some of the people caught in this American foreclosure mess are a result of thoughtless wishing.

Planning is an important and sometimes painful step in protecting our future.  Establishing habits like having a budget, saving money and learning from a money guru like Suzie Orman can slow down misuse of money or betting on the come.  

Realizing that we don’t need a lot of stuff can be a cathartic journey.  What we really need and want are two separate issues.  Getting real about what are necessities versus what are essentials is an eye opening experience.  Staying real can mean not gambling away what you need for what you want. 

And, then there are those among us that have never known what it would be like to get what we need or have been victim to unfortunate circumstance.  Like the homeless, those born into poverty, those struck by disaster or those trying to win a losing battle with addiction.  Some of those may have become the hopeless and have surrendered to wishing it were different.  For the fortunate among us that do have our needs met we need to look for those who don’t.  

Thank you to the American Red Cross, United Way and the countless numbers of organizations that leap to the aid of so many.

If your needs aren’t being met don’t wait to get lucky, look for help. 

If your needs are being met, get busy and help someone who’s still waiting.

Still learning,

Honey

Amen, Oprah!

For those closest to me they know I am not a devoted Oprah follower.  Her power at times has been alarming to me and her ability to blacklist or blindly support others has been something I have been skeptical about.  Sometimes I thought she would cross from talk show to therapist to censor and campaign manager.  But her audience loved her.

All that being said...after two and a half decades Oprah Winfrey stepped away from her wildly successful television talk show to begin a new chapter in her life.

How she would end this part of her journey was highly speculated in the press and met with anticipation by her millions of followers. Would it be a spectacular event with extravagant giveaways? Would it be one that featured famous and inspiring people or her loyal staff? Her last stint on stage was a display of gratitude, humility and a message that rivaled sermons given by Rev. Billy Graham.


Many people saw Oprah adorn the Fortune 500 List as being one of the most powerful, influential and wealthiest people in the world. They might view her as a celebrity who lives an opulent lifestyle in mansions and exclusivity. She is not one layered and there is more than the home that she lives in or her financial statement to validate how she became such a 20th century powerhouse.


There are so many ways in which she opened our eyes up. She made reading popular and exciting through her book club. She inspired self reflection through gratitude journaling. Education was at the top of her list and was an ongoing topic of discussion. Winfrey described the world as her classroom.

Oprah chose to use her recognition and celebrity to bring awareness to social issues no one else would tackle. She made some people squirm a little as she brought issues to the surface that were uncomfortable but needed to be dealt with. People unafraid to confront personal issues were challenged to make a positive change in their lives. As a television personal coach, she emphasized personal responsibility – to own what is the reality of each person’s life in personal, health and financial issues. Oprah forced us to look at how we fit in to a bigger and sometimes different shaped box.

I did watch most of her last show. The best message I received in her closing tribute to her audience was that we don’t have to be rich or famous to be a powerful force to change or make a difference in the life of someone else. Each one of us, no matter what our circumstances are, can do something to make this a better world. In her final statement, she didn’t take credit for her accomplishments as she said, “To God Be the Glory.”  "Amen, Oprah!"

Green Up our Amazing Earth!

The world celebrated for a day in time on April 22 to commemorate Earth Day.  Individuals, organizations and companies came together to share creative inventions and ideas that will save money, energy and reduce toxins.  It’s amazing what innovations are born when we are confronted with a need.  If awareness of the fragile state of our planet Earth was observed everyday, not just one day a year, what a wonderfully different planet this would and can be. The benefits would be felt on many different levels; health, financial, quality of life.  It takes one person, one idea and one action at a time.  

The first Earth Day, April 22, 1970, was founded by U.S. Senator Gaylord Nelson.  According to Wikipedia it has grown from the first year with a participation of 20 million to now more than 500 million people in 192 countries. Many changes and improvements have inspired educated scholars, scientists and most importantly, everyday citizens to explore ways to improve our environment.

Everyone can make a difference. You might not think these differences from one person can make a difference but they do.  We have choices; recycle, ride your bicycle or take mass transit to work or carpool, bring your own reusable bags to the supermarket, block out heat and cold by insulating or calking your home.   The list goes on and on.  We might have to buy into these ideas and make sacrifices that pay off in the end.  With gas sneaking up to $5 a gallon we all will see the effect of fuel surcharges.  Maybe we will have a wakeup call to take action.  Choosing not to drive one day a week could change the entire impact of supply and demand not to speak of the relief the environment would enjoy.

Preserving the integrity of the planet includes involvement with our young people.  Greening education is taking place at home and continues through programs in our schools. Help from environmental organizations, science fairs and contests encourage involvement from the future generations.  Kids love to feel that they make a difference and often times are stunned to learn how a small change of habit can benefit all of us.

Preserving the health of our planet may seem like an impossible task, but it isn’t.  Small changes in lifestyles can make significant differences in our planet; one person, one change at a time, every day at a time.   At the end of the day we will feel better about ourselves and about the future of our planet.  So, let’s not celebrate our amazing planet just one day a year, but everyday. 

I commit to not driving at least one day a week and to continue to recycle.  Most of my purchased books today are eBooks and I have opted in for paperless communication from those I do business with that offer it.  I'll turn on the ceiling fans and turn up the A/C.  What will you commit to?

Still learning,

Honey

Getting Into the Habit of Listening

We rely on so many different skills to get us through our days, months and years.  First to come to mind include survival or coping and, of course, communication.  While all of these are important, the ability to listen, hear and understand what is being said is a life skill that affects every aspect of our lives.

An ancient Chinese proverb goes like this:

 To listen well is as powerful a means

 of influence as to talk well and

 is essential to all true conversation.

Remember the Gossip Game.  I love that game.  I played it as a child and have even had fun at parties playing as an adult.  This is where people are gathered in a circle.  It's a fun but powerful demonstration of what happens to information when it is passed by word of mouth.

Very simply, the players are lined up in a row or a circle. The first person is given a sentence or perhaps several sentences written on a piece of paper. He or she commits the information to memory and then sets the paper aside. He "whispers" the information, as well as he can remember it to the next person in line. This person does the same, passing the information down the line until it reaches the end. 

The last person reveals what he has been told to all assembled. The first person then reads the paper.  Most often the original story is so distorted that there a few similarities to the original version by the time the last person receives it.  Some of the changes can be attributed to perception, but I believe that most of the time it’s simply a case of our inability or willingness to listen and hear what is said.  Most of us want to do the talking.  It’s human nature.

“While the right to talk may be the beginning of freedom, 

the necessity of listening is what makes the right important.” 

                                                            - Walter Lippman

Relationships are formed through listening and responding to what is being said. Good listening skills can have a major impact on job effectiveness.  Listening is a key ingredient to problem solving in the business world.   Customers know when their voice is being heard.  World leaders and negotiators shape our futures through key decisions they make listening to each other.  

The brain needs to be attentive for us to capture the words when we listen.    Engaging the heart with the brain is what paves the way for compassion, kindness and understanding.  Successful listeners avoid distractions and work to respond non-judgmentally.  They also go into conversations with an open mind ready to hear what is being spoken.  Heartfelt listening gives insight to what might be between the lines. 

One of my favorite authors, Stephen Covey, has helped professionals all over the globe with his groundbreaking book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.  

Habit 5

Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood.  

What a worthwhile habit for those of us that would like to elevate our listening skills to get into!


Still learning,


Honey

Identify Theft at Any Age

Identity theft has been an increasing problem for many Americans who were cruising along naively thinking their financial lives were safe and secure.  The media coverage of this intrusion brought awareness of this issue and as a result more people began to monitor their credit history, activity and ratings.  The newest target of this problem affects the most unaware – small children.

In a recent report, NBC investigated this latest phenomenon and confronted perpetrators who borrowed money for houses, automobiles and credit cards after stealing the Social Security numbers of our youngest citizens. The cunning thieves unraveled the code in which Social Security numbers are issued and used the numbers of innocent children to obtain loans and credit lines at financial institutions and department stores. 

For the con anything goes, including stealing the identity of a child!  There are children all over America who now have bad credit.  It is a huge nightmare for parents to straighten out, if in fact they even know there is a problem.  I haven't personally experienced the intrusion but as a banker I saw numerous times the challenges identity theft incurs and the years it can take to clean up.

Advice to parents to protect children is to get free credit reports of their children’s Social Security numbers.  The NBC report noted that The Social Security Administration is changing the way in which numbers are distributed. Creditors are requiring more proof if identification.  It is just one of many problems parents face in this uncertain world, but one we can and must do something about.  

Still learning,

Honey

Had Your Bell Rung Lately?

"THESE PEOPLE DRIVE ME CRAZY!" How long has it been since you've said that? How long have you been the topic of someone else’s "Drives Me Crazy" list? We have all been there, that's for sure. When we find ourselves thinking or saying these people drive me crazy, there’s no doubt our bell has been rung!

This is a topic that is near and dear to me since I used to hang out in the driving me crazy lane a little too much. It's a stressful place if you're there very long. I am well acquainted with the bell ringing and so is everyone else who manage other people! Or works with the public! Or attempts to live with other people! Or drives in traffic!

So here's what I found out. Everything I do is motivated by my conscious or unconscious belief that it's in my best interest. The issue becomes – okay, just how do I learn what is and what isn't in my best interest? The key is gaining and maturing the knowledge I use to self-evaluate and self-correct.

I have learned a great deal about self-evaluation and self-correction techniques. I was taught by the masters - William Glasser, MD, and Bob Wubbolding, EdD - a process duped WDEP. The acronym stands for:

• Wanting - what do I want?
• Doing - what do I need to do to get it?
• Evaluating - is the want good for me? Is what I am doing helpful?
• Planning - what will be my plan to get what I want?

Both men are accomplished authors. Dr. Glasser is an internationally recognized psychiatrist who is best known as the author of Reality Therapy, a method of psychotherapy he created in 1965 and that is now taught all over the world. Dr. Wubbolding is the premier teacher and practioner of this theory. I completed the Glasser Institute's three-year program and obtained certification in Reality Therapy several years ago. I teach WDEP every opportunity that comes my way.

A big want we have is to build and sustain successful relationships with others. Most of us that manage others or who parent children or any one of us that wants to excel in key relationships are seeking tools and information that will help us succeed.

You can purchase my recorded workshop - approximately 2 hours in length for $195 - and add some power tools to your quest to master having successful relationships with others! For more information or to order:

honey@interaction-training.com

Hang up your bell!