Nothing including salary can offset the stress associated with working with someone you need to get along with and for whatever reason you don’t. Not getting along with is a broad description. You won’t like everyone, everyone won’t like you. That’s not new news. What might be new news is becoming aware of what your choices really are about dealing with it.
In my last blog I suggested you ponder key questions you could ask yourself in order to begin to manage yourself in the relationship. Here are some helpful suggestions and ideas for you to add to your picture of what you can do to reduce the stress or possibly improve how the relationship is working. One thing that will help immediately is for you to decide how much you are going to think about the relationship and then set up your mental boundaries around your thinking.
Our feelings come from what WE think and do. The good news about that is that you can manage your feelings, difficult as that may be in heated, stressful or broken relationships. It’s not up to the other person how you feel it’s up to you. Depending upon the story around the relationship it’s possible the dysfunction has gone on a very long time and you’ve been at a loss as to what to do about it. The bad news is this…if what you are doing to make it better or to feel better isn’t working you will have to come with a new approach.
In order to “work” on the relationship you will have to start with what you want to have happen and what you are willing to do about what you want. This is a stretch when your feelings are hurt or you’ve been dragging around resentment for too long. As you consider what you want strive to be realistic and ultimately not make the want about anyone but you. That will be a challenge.
Some of this relationship business takes courage and most of it takes training. All of it requires work. If you want to get really good at working out what isn’t working in a relationship begin to frame what you need to do as practice. You will need practice working out differences, offenses, slights and broken promises with others. Don’t forget that you too will provide opportunities for when you “malfunction” in working well with others.
So for today pick up your pen, write out your thinking about this relationship that isn’t working. Include your feelings. Then ask yourself what you want to have happen. Keep working and writing on what you want until you feel you have an acceptable list of wants that are appropriate for you, for your values; wants that are attainable, realistic and dependent on your actions.
Keep in mind you will want to think through where you are now and where you want to be with regard to your happiness. How much of your happiness are you willing to surrender to focusing on what you can’t do anything about? How much of your happiness are you willing to give up because you afraid are to face your opponent and express your willingness to work on working out what isn’t working?
Your happiness is not dependent on others, though it will be influenced and impacted by others. Your happiness goal is in your hands, you will need to adjust your thinking and doing in order to maintain the level of happiness you are committed to.
The key is taking ownership of your happiness. Your happiness is tied to your ability to self-evaluate and self-correct. We need successful relationships; they are the primary source of our happiness.
More on thinking, doing and wanting to come!
Still learning,
Honey
