Coaching - Mary, Mary Quite Contrary

Conclusion...

Mary finally did what you asked and you engage her in the following conversation.

The Coach        “Mary, let’s go over this together.”

Here’s her list

Behaviors required of my job                         How well I do them (scale of 1 – 5)

Friendly                                                                       4                                                         

Team player                                                                 4

Dependable                                                                  5

Professional                                                                 5

Skills required of my job                                   How well I do them

Know the job                                                                5

Accuracy                                                                     5

Computer-related skills                                                 4

Problem-Solving                                                           4

The Coach        “Mary, I know you were resistant to working on this with me and I am glad you finished the assignment.  Where we started from was - I had asked you how well thought of you wanted to be working here.  You said 4.5 on the 1-5 scale.  This assignment was intended to help you get your 4.5.  Would it surprise you if I told you that every score you gave yourself needs to be lowered by one point and that I would say you are off by at least a point of getting what you want.  So if you want to obtain a 4.5 you will have to raise the bar on your effort and remove the cloud that interferes with both your behaviors and your skills.”

Mary     “What makes you say that?”

The Coach        “Each of the behaviors and skills are compromised by your persistent mood-related behaviors like angering, snubbing your co-workers and choosing to be blunt, resistant and unkind.  Do you think you are willing to stop choosing behavior that has a negative impact on your success?  If you are I can help.  The first step will be for you to build a plan that helps ensure you stop doing what isn’t working and start doing what is in your best interest,” 

Remember to stay focused on your goal.  Your goal is to have Mary take responsibility for behavior that is out of line and harming teamwork and her professional reputation.  Watch out for getting hooked or giving up or buying into myths that you tell someone something one time and that is all it takes.

Coaching isn’t magic.  Mary is a hard case.  Remember to focus on what YOU WANT and teach others to do the same. That is motivation, reaching for what you want.  Help others reach, help them see if what they are doing is working.  The teacher will become the student and Mary just might be less contrary.

Still learning,

Honey

Coaching - There's Something About Mary

Mary shows up for the meeting without any paperwork and is sporting her angry face.  You inquire about the assignment and…

Mary     “I didn’t do it, I think this is ridiculous.  I do my job and I don’t appreciate being singled out to do some assignment about all this.”

The Coach        “Well, since you didn’t come prepared, you can finish the assignment now.”

Mary     “What if I don’t?”

The Coach        “What do you think will happen if you don’t?”

Mary     “I don’t know, it just doesn’t seem important to me.”

The Coach        “It’s important to your job, is your job important to you?”

Mary     “Well, yes but I don’t see the big deal here.”

The Coach        “It’s going to be as a big a deal as you make it.  I expect and want your cooperation.  I gave you an assignment, I expected you to finish it.  So here’s the pen, here’s the sheet you were working on last session so finish the assignment and I will be right back.”

You leave the room.  Come back in 5 minutes.

Tomorrow we will conclude coaching Mary.  She is a tough cookie and some of you have been Mary and some of you work with Mary.  The goal is to help Mary see that what she is doing is not going to help her get what she wants.

Does this sound too hard or too easy?  The challenge is stay focused on what you want to have happen.  It’s important you avoid being hooked by her self-defeating, over-empowered attitude and behavior.  Mary needs to get the picture of what is expected of her and to compare what she is doing to what is expected.

Tomorrow we will lower the boom with Mary and work on the outcome. 

Still learning,

Honey

Moving Forward…Coaching the "Chip on My Shoulder Employee"

Where are we?  Oh, yes, wishing Mary wasn't a pain.  The process I am sharing is NOT a quick fix.  It's a solution.  So here we go.

You had asked Mary to write down the behaviors and skills she thinks that are required in order to be very well thought of on the job.

On her list for behaviors she wrote:  Friendly, team player, dependable and professional.  Under skills she has: Know the job, accuracy, computer-related skills, and problem-solving.

You look over the list and tell her you think this is a great start.  Ask her to share her thinking about both lists.  Your job is to listen, to encourage her to speak about both lists.  Don’t ask her to defend what she came up with.  Ask her to share how she came up with it.  Inquire if there is anything more she wants to share about either list.

You are thinking she’s missing some behaviors and skills you expected.  And, you have witnessed first-hand that she is definitely falling short on excelling at several on her list but you don’t share your thinking.

“Mary, you and I are going to routinely meet.  And, we are going to meet to explore what you want, looking into what you need to do to get what you want, together we are going to build a plan to ensure you get what you want and we'll decide some ways to measure how close you are to getting what you want.  How does this sound to you?”

She is skeptical but agreeable.

Have her sign and date the list, make a copy for yourself, she keeps the original.

Give her the next assignment.

“Mary, look over the list each day for a few days, as you do ask yourself if there is anything you want to add.    Then before we meet a week from today I want you to rate yourself using the 1-5 scale on each behavior and skill.  Remember 1 would mean the lowest score you could give yourself, 5 would mean the highest score you could give yourself.  Bring this to our meeting next week so we can talk more about this.”

Stay tuned for Monday’s blog where we explore what else could have happened in this coaching session. Like, what to do if Mary simply won’t make a list or crosses her arms and folds them tight and scows at you in a very uncooperative manner refusing to participate.

Still learning,

Honey

More about Coaching the "Chip on My Shoulder Employee"

Let's keep the coaching going. Here's where we left off...

"Mary, I wanted to meet with you to determine something. I would like to know how well thought of you want to be as an employee of the company and as a member of my team. On a scale of 1-5 what would be the number that fits best – using a gauge of one meaning it doesn't matter and five meaning you want to be held in high regard, what number – 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 would be the number you want?"

With reluctance Mary says I would be fine with a 4.5. You explain that 4.5 is a number you can support. Ask her to make a list of the behaviors and skills she believes are crucial to the success of someone in her position.

Be prepared to help Mary with the list BUT do not give her the list. Even leave the room while she works on this. Tell her you need to go to something and you will be back in 5 minutes or less and for her to just quickly make a stab at the list.

You could even give her a prepared sheet of paper with a line down the middle with one side labeled Behaviors and the other Skills.

The key is for Mary to begin to get the picture of what is required of someone who is well thought of - both by others and herself.

On tomorrow's blog we will pick this up. Stay tuned.

Still learning,

Honey

What to Do with the "Chip on my Shoulder" Employee

So here's the situation:

This employee consistently has a chip on her shoulder and her moodiness is a pain. The weather is more predictable. You go to work, the world looks pretty good to you, and the door opens and "trouble" has arrived.  As she whizzes by you without so much as a look you're thinking I need to address this.

Frequently her co-workers complain about her moodiness and her brisk and blunt comments to them. She demonstrates her angriness by slamming doors and huffing and puffing.

This isn't a new issue; this has been going on awhile. It’s not every day but it’s way too often. 

You've prayed it would change, you've approached the mine field around her work space with armor on and been told "I don't bother anyone and I don't want anyone to bother me. I am here to do my job and that's what I do."

You've brought the stressful, disruptive, unkind and sometimes rude behavior up in reviews with her but nothing changes.   She might never change but you must!  So let's get busy on this!

Here’s a question for you and suggestions:

As her manager what do you WANT to have happen? Get real, get honest. Here's what others with an employee such as I have described have told me. "I want the behavior to stop." Well, actually, they've also said things like "I would like to smack her." "I would like to fire her." "I wish she'd leave."

What you want to have happen needs to be in alignment with the company's policies and expectations.  It needs to align with your responsibilities as a manager and your personal value system.

You decide what you want. If you decide you want to address the behavior and create a mutual understanding of what needs to happen going forward I can help you.  Here is your assignment if you chose to take it:

1. Make a list of specific examples of recent behavior that you want to stop. Do not exaggerate. Be factual. Be descriptive. Do not be dramatic. Act like a reporter describing what you saw, heard and what others have reported.  Do not be prepared to go back over months or years or even throw the book at her but you must be able to describe in detail the behavior you saw, heard or was reported to you.

2. Schedule a coaching session; you can do this via email, phone or in-person. Here’s a suggestion on what to say.  “Please make plans to meet with me for 10-15 minutes Wednesday morning at 8:15.”   If she asks what's it about tell her you have some things to go over with her.  That’s all you tell her.

If you routinely (hope you do) coach then you are dedicating your next coaching session with Mary to addressing this issue.   Addressing is the beginning.  It is not the end.

Best practices for all coaching sessions: be calm, sit on the same side of the desk or sit around a table, have water for you and her, have a clock where you both can see it, have paper and pen for each of you. Do not answer your phone or email and put a do not disturb sign on the door.

3. "Mary, I wanted to meet with you to determine something. I would like to know how well thought of you want to be as an employee of the company and as a member of my team. On a scale of 1-5 what would be the number that fits best – using a gauge of one meaning it doesn't matter and five meaning you want to be held in high regard, what number – 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 would be the number you want?"

Expect possible derailments of questions from Mary including what's this about, what do you mean, etc. Just stick to the script. You need her to answer the question.

You don’t defend, over explain or get into any behavior issues at this point.  Stay focused on this first question.

I will blog on this again tomorrow. Between now and then I want you to make a list of what you think you would say according to the number she gives you. Then you can compare you answers to mine.

Until tomorrow…

Still learning,

Honey

Where Did My Day Go?

If you’re like me that is not an uncommon question you ask of yourself.  I think knowing the answer is part of the solution to spending time wisely.  If stress and disappointment are knocking on your door telling you that either you have too much to do or that you just can't seem to get where you want to go then changing a few habits and building an action plan might be in order.

Do you think you’d be willing to keep a time log for a couple of weeks?    It will help you see if you’re making the best choices; choices that fit well with your values and your goals.

In my last blog I encouraged you to picture how your life would be better if you managed your time more effectively.  You want to write that out.   Keep your description handy so when you feel the tug of old habits you can quickly remember the value of making a few changes.  Changes that will help you get what you want.

Here is the second of five fast track tips on eliminating self-defeating habits.

2.  Carefully define the new habits you wish to develop. 

Consider what three time management habits you think would help you the most.   Write them down, describe each habit.  Be honest with yourself.  Gather the information you need to implement the change and visualize yourself putting the habit in place.  Develop a realistic action plan and get started.

Consider some of the staples of time mastery like planning, prioritizing and project planning.

Getting into the habit of planning might look like this:

First thing each day create your to-do-list so you get into the habit of planning. 

The habit of prioritizing works like this:

Review the list and determine what needs to happen by noon and give those items an A, everything that needs to be completed by 6 PM is marked a B and items that need to happen before you retire for the night are marked C.  Estimate the time you think is needed for each item on the list.  You will quickly know if your plan is realistic or not.  Adjust where needed.  Then determine what happens first for each section of the day.  Whenever you can, do what you LEAST want to do, first.

Learn how to master project planning.   

When you’re working on a project, estimate the total amount of time it will take to accomplish the project.  Work from your deadline date backwards to see how you can weave time into your schedule for the project.  Ideally you break the time into a stated period of time, i.e., 20-minute segments.  Set your alarm or timer to notify you when the 20 minutes is up.  Most of us can’t stop the workflow to work exclusively on a project but we can master segments of time devoted to the project.

A sense of accomplishment is a great motivator!  That is why list making and prioritizing will help you get done what is most urgent/most important. 

Pause your life for 10 minutes and come up with your list of new habits you are willing to build an action plan around so you can have the TIME OF YOUR LIFE!

Stay tuned, step three is coming next…

Still learning,

Honey

It's Time to Have More Time!

Ever wished you had more time?  You’re not alone, me too.  I have found a few tips along the way that have helped me manage time more effectively.  Let’s get started.

Like with anything you want different for yourself you have to ask yourself a few questions.

How much do you really want to change what you do that wastes your time?  Desire is the key to success or failure.  The stronger the desire the better the odds!  The want-to must be yours and come from within.  What would your life be like when the change occurs?  Write out your answer; picture how your life would be better.  How will you benefit?  Who else would benefit?  What do you think this habit has cost you?  Many of our choices about managing time have been expensive, whether that is being late on paying a bill or late in responding to an important email or phone call.

Some of our time wasting habits are relatively easy to change; others extremely difficult.  Like any other self-improvement choices, a change in how you manage your time will have a direct impact on other parts of your life.  Sometimes a habit is a bear to change because it is interconnected.  A single behavior becomes a cue for another behavior, which in turn may cue another behavior...you get the picture.  You've developed habit sequences that form well-exercised patterns of behavior.

How long will it take to replace a poor time management habit with a better time mastery habit?  Some three days, some several weeks.  If you choose to consistently practice the new behavior for three weeks it will become your predominant response pattern.  Keep it up and soon you will have kicked the old habit and replaced it with a rewarding new one.

Here's the first of five fast track tips on eliminating self-defeating habits.

1.  Identify the habit you want to change.  Examine it carefully.  The more you know about what you do, when you do it and why you do it the easier it will be to identify the habits that are creating the problem.   Start a “wish list” that only pertains to you.  Wishing others were different is a real time wasting habit.  Your wish list is a daily review of what you find frustrating or disappointing about how your time was spent each day.  Get busy on answering the questions listed in today’s blog.  Start your “wish list” and look for my next blog on how to eliminate self-defeating habits.

Still learning,

Honey