Co-Worker from Hell

If you haven’t worked with someone you would describe as mean or “out to get you”, count yourself lucky.  Most of us have had experience with stressful relationships in the workplace, but it all comes down to looking at just what degree of stress we are talking about.   As a workplace coach, I hear plenty about behavior that is dysfunctional at best, and some that truly crosses the line and could be construed as bullying or even a hostile work environment.

Depending on ego and personality type, a co-worker might imagine or even act out what they’d like to do to people at work they are mad at or don’t like.  From sarcasm, to ill-intended gossip the stress and hurtfulness is abundant.   Immature power plays that include setting people up for embarrassment or baiting a co-worker with hateful comments or downright defiance can destroy job satisfaction and morale.

If you are a manager, you are obligated to create a safe workplace.  That includes setting boundaries, educating and encouraging cooperative behavior, stressing that courtesy and kindness is expected by and to everyone – not just the customer. 

When employees struggle to get along, encourage communication –  to talk it out, stay as neutral as you can while coaching each one involved to self-evaluate what they do that contributes to the problem and what they are willing to do differently

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Don’t focus on blame and old history.  Focus on what is acceptable and unacceptable.  If you are in a service business explain that the same courtesy that is ALWAYS expected to be extended to the customer is expected among the team.  Don’t set up situations that cause resentment, confusion and distrust.  When the evidence is clear that an employee is bullying, spreading cruel gossip and openly defiant to those they work with – move on it!  The employee must be told that the behavior is not acceptable; it must cease, and will be a cause for serious consequences.  Document the discussion, follow-up, follow through.  When a situation is seriously escalated and then addressed it must be followed up.

Recently, I was coaching a high-level executive assistant who was given added responsibilities.  The new tasks included training and supervising the company’s receptionist.  This change was prompted by ongoing disappointment with regard to how the receptionist performed.

While the EA was given the new responsibility, the lines of authority were blurred and confusing.  Dual reporting was part of the structure, the receptionist would report to her existing manager and to the EA.   The EA, who had an entirely different manager, was expected to coach and supervise a highly resistant employee that wasn’t doing her job correctly, actually refusing to do certain tasks expected, misusing time off and deliberately defying certain procedures. 

The EA was excited about the challenge but had to do the job with her hands tied behind her back.  It was a disaster.  The receptionist chose to ignore the coaching and training, and instead worked hard to spread gossip and sabotage the EA.  Ultimately, the receptionist lost her job.  She wasn’t the only casualty.   Others on the team watched and saw how the top of the company set up a good employee to fail. 

Probably with the best of intentions, leadership ignored all the warning signs and tolerated all the deviance, flagrant misbehaving and cruelty to go on far too long – “hoping it would just go away”.  It will take time for the staff to restore confidence and trust after an event like this.

Here is a first-hand account of the aftermath:  “Gossip is dangerous, hurtful and toxic.  When you are the target you feel violated, helpless and angry.  I think part of the motivation of gossip is to provoke the target to emotional overload.  You have to hang tough because forfeiting professional maturity can do serious harm to your reputation.  Though I was seriously challenged by my co-worker I wasn’t willing to act out but I came close, lost sleep and was highly stressed.  Glad I had an outsider supporting me.”

“Hopefully, I would feel like I could decline if ever asked to supervise someone who would be reporting to two people.   Instead of respecting me, my co-worker resented me and saw me as interfering and chose to try to get even with me. The retaliation created an unpleasant circumstance for a lot of people.  This is the first time I have ever experienced bullying.  In the end, the right thing prevailed but it went on too long.  As stressful as this was for me, I learned that I have to keep my side of the street clean.  Personal integrity and accountability for my behavior is where I had to keep coming back to.  Now, my focus is to restore my job satisfaction and to heal from the side effects that come with working with a co-worker from hell.”

Still learning,

Honey

Working on Work Relationships

Nothing including salary can offset the stress associated with working with someone you need to get along with and for whatever reason you don’t.  Not getting along with is a broad description.  You won’t like everyone, everyone won’t like you.   That’s not new news.  What might be new news is becoming aware of what your choices really are about dealing with it.

In my last blog I suggested you ponder key questions you could ask yourself in order to begin to manage yourself in the relationship.  Here are some helpful suggestions and ideas for you to add to your picture of what you can do to reduce the stress or possibly improve how the relationship is working.  One thing that will help immediately is for you to decide how much you are going to think about the relationship and then set up your mental boundaries around your thinking. 

Our feelings come from what WE think and do.   The good news about that is that you can manage your feelings, difficult as that may be in heated, stressful or broken relationships.  It’s not up to the other person how you feel it’s up to you.   Depending upon the story around the relationship it’s possible the dysfunction has gone on a very long time and you’ve been at a loss as to what to do about it. The bad news is this…if what you are doing to make it better or to feel better isn’t working you will have to come with a new approach.

In order to “work” on the relationship you will have to start with what you want to have happen and what you are willing to do about what you want.  This is a stretch when your feelings are hurt or you’ve been dragging around resentment for too long.  As you consider what you want strive to be realistic and ultimately not make the want about anyone but you.  That will be a challenge.

Some of this relationship business takes courage and most of it takes training.  All of it requires work.  If you want to get really good at working out what isn’t working in a relationship begin to frame what you need to do as practice.  You will need practice working out differences, offenses, slights and broken promises with others.  Don’t forget that you too will provide opportunities for when you “malfunction” in working well with others. 

So for today pick up your pen, write out your thinking about this relationship that isn’t working.  Include your feelings.  Then ask yourself what you want to have happen.  Keep working and writing on what you want until you feel you have an acceptable list of wants that are appropriate for you, for your values; wants that are attainable, realistic and dependent on your actions. 

Keep in mind you will want to think through where you are now and where you want to be with regard to your happiness.  How much of your happiness are you willing to surrender to focusing on what you can’t do anything about?  How much of your happiness are you willing to give up because you afraid are to face your opponent and express your willingness to work on working out what isn’t working? 

Your happiness is not dependent on others, though it will be influenced and impacted by others.  Your happiness goal is in your hands, you will need to adjust your thinking and doing in order to maintain the level of happiness you are committed to. 

The key is taking ownership of your happiness.  Your happiness is tied to your ability to self-evaluate and self-correct.  We need successful relationships; they are the primary source of our happiness.

More on thinking, doing and wanting to come! 

Still learning,

Honey

Moving Forward…Coaching the "Chip on My Shoulder Employee"

Where are we?  Oh, yes, wishing Mary wasn't a pain.  The process I am sharing is NOT a quick fix.  It's a solution.  So here we go.

You had asked Mary to write down the behaviors and skills she thinks that are required in order to be very well thought of on the job.

On her list for behaviors she wrote:  Friendly, team player, dependable and professional.  Under skills she has: Know the job, accuracy, computer-related skills, and problem-solving.

You look over the list and tell her you think this is a great start.  Ask her to share her thinking about both lists.  Your job is to listen, to encourage her to speak about both lists.  Don’t ask her to defend what she came up with.  Ask her to share how she came up with it.  Inquire if there is anything more she wants to share about either list.

You are thinking she’s missing some behaviors and skills you expected.  And, you have witnessed first-hand that she is definitely falling short on excelling at several on her list but you don’t share your thinking.

“Mary, you and I are going to routinely meet.  And, we are going to meet to explore what you want, looking into what you need to do to get what you want, together we are going to build a plan to ensure you get what you want and we'll decide some ways to measure how close you are to getting what you want.  How does this sound to you?”

She is skeptical but agreeable.

Have her sign and date the list, make a copy for yourself, she keeps the original.

Give her the next assignment.

“Mary, look over the list each day for a few days, as you do ask yourself if there is anything you want to add.    Then before we meet a week from today I want you to rate yourself using the 1-5 scale on each behavior and skill.  Remember 1 would mean the lowest score you could give yourself, 5 would mean the highest score you could give yourself.  Bring this to our meeting next week so we can talk more about this.”

Stay tuned for Monday’s blog where we explore what else could have happened in this coaching session. Like, what to do if Mary simply won’t make a list or crosses her arms and folds them tight and scows at you in a very uncooperative manner refusing to participate.

Still learning,

Honey